What an odd fucking day this has been. Well, an odd weekend.
I had a heart-to-heart with the Elf about the impending/ongoing new friendship. Surprisingly enough, it didn;t go like I thought it was going to. I expected to fall into my normal trappings of inquisition, but I didn't. Granted, being paranoid about a friendship lasting may seem odd to some people, but not to me. My friends are my life; however, I am not co-dependant (altho God knows I used to be). Now, the conversation was not planned at all, and I confess it began as an effort to calm his rising anger on another issue, but it ended up getting deeper than I ever intended, which somewhat frightened me. Even as I type this I am not even sure how to formulate my thoughts. Normally, I would have left a conversation like that analyzing everything that was said and worrying about any possible negative comment, but in some odd twist, I actually felt relieved and hopeful, even though some parts of the conversation were ominous (i.e., longevity of friendships). I actually found myself questioning whether I just wanted to end it right there to spare myself from the future problem of losing the friendship or just shutting up and dealing with it. It wasn;t hard to decide because I didn;t have to. I simply didn;t care about worrying. I decided, what the fuck is the point is worrying about where any relationship is going to end up? My God, enjoy the fucking thing and the benefits that come with it while it is there and alive. And if for some reason, it should "fail" then accept it, understand why, and remember all the positives and the laughter. As much as I would like to think that the reason why most of my male best friend relationships never lasted was due to the other person, I do accept part of the blame. I was foolishly selfless (whereas now it is more controlled and deliberate) and delusionally paranoid about them. I think it's because I wanted to latch onto some kind of permanence what with my being new to this country and suffering from culture shock (I realized this even more after talking to one of the kids from the high school I volunteer at who is an immigrant from Venezuela who went through the same thing with making a new friend). So I refuse to dissect, analyze, and worry about whether this friendship will last or not. I derive so much enjoyment and laughter from it every moment that I am in it and I keep laughing when I am not around it. I see no point in mucking that up with worrying about it. But in all this, I have to ask myself one thing "what makes this one so different?" Can;t be just the Jackie Chan thing. And so I leave this with one simple thought: "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."
Thanks to Sara, yet again, I found a new kind of blogging tool, MovableType. It seems interesting and allows for greater flexibility for design and options and such....but the damn thing is SO difficult. I guess I should just bite the bullet and deal with it so I can learn something. But damn! I just want to get it all functioning so I can redesign this damn site and try something new.
And on a final note, I went with Jorge to help him conduct an audition for One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest at the Sarasota Players (which is the same theatre I turned down twice for playing leads in shows). They were casting for their summer play season and another director was casting for The Rainmaker next door. So there I am helping Jorge, and I finally get to meet the artistic director, a relentless man with a lot of passion and energy and the slickest tatcics this side of an oily salesman. So the artistic director comes in to our side and asks Jorge if he knows anyone who is a Burt Lancaster type to read for Starbuck (the lead) because they are not finding good people. He looks at me and says "Think he could do it?" And Jorge nods and the next thing you know I am given a side for that part to read for an audition. I read over it and right off the bat I know I am the WRONG body type for the part even thought I could act the shit out of it. For God's sake....Burt Lancaster and Woody Harrelson played the part at one time...and I fit nowhere in those two. Knowing this I just go in there and have fun with the audition, and I am not nervous at all because I know the director would be insane to cast me. The next thing I know I am being asked what my schedule is like and it slips at the end of the day that I am cast as Starbuck in the show. How the hell does someone go from freaking helping cast one show to being cast as a lead in the other?????? I coudl have said "no," to even auditioning but I thought, why not...it will be a good experience. Ai dios mio!!! Aifo que escandalo. I am totally flattered and still some what in shock (and Jorge won;t stop making fun of me). I don't even know what I will say when the director gives me an official call (he has no clue that I know) most because I still have my Cabaret audition on Monday and the Emcee is a role I have been dying to play since I was 17. But Starbuck would be a great acting stretch and something I have wanted to do for a while....but to be quite honest I would feel insecure and stupid playing a "handsome con-man that is dashing and hypnotic to women." Come on now....RING! Clue phone people, pick it up!
So again I say.....what an odd weekend.
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on Saturday, May 11, 2002 at 10:08 PM.
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