Disintegration of the Real

Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power.

I am in a weird kind of a mood. Warning: Psychotic Rant Approaching.

I am stuck in a rut about things. Everything seems weird and off skelter. I try to find the little things to get me going and positive and it;s ALL A LIE!!! Add to that I feel like some whiny bitch going through some quarter life crisis. The busier I try to make myself the more I feel like I do not want to do a damn thing. I loathe going to rehearse, going to teach, going anywhere. I want to stay locked up, but I can;t stand being in my apartment. I hate the notion of having to go to sleep and I am tired of going and working out even though I often want to late at night. I hate where I am living yet seem comfortable with it. I am stuck in a fucked up dichotomy within a surreal hegemonic struggle. Which side is going to win?

I turn on the TV and watch the news and just shake my head. I talk to friends and start to realize they know less about me than they think they do. I realize that I don;t consider them friends like I thought I did. I brought my walls back up and I feel the itch of misanthropy coming upon me once again. I have no problem with that. My hugs are generic, my kind words are empty. I am an automaton of socialized responses. I am an enculturated simulacrum of chaos and nothingness.

I feel like I should be writing lyrics to death chants and voodoo drums.

I realize that people ARE as stupid as I thought and that I am not as smart as I thought I was. I have all the answers to none of the questions and all the questions with none of the answers. I am looking for what I wil never find and waiting for something that will never flower and be fulfilled. I am a selfless Persian rug that hides behind the valor of friendship and forgiveness when I am just some tool to be used for people's benefits.

I realize that is not what I want to be, what I want to live in, what I want to know. I pray for being struck with blissful ignorance. I wish I never knew what I know.

I wanted something real and found a tofu life.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 23, 2003 at 11:09 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.