I warn you, I am about to get somewhat philosophical and rhetorical....or maybe I'll just spew out mounds of bullshit that make no sense to anyone but myself.....whatever.
I find it odd and somewhat cliche that things do have a way of repeating themselves. Patterns of abuses, patterns of attraction, patterns of destruction. It became somewhat trite to speak of the way history has of repeating itself, but it becomes evident as I grow older how true it is and how sometimes inescapable those loops are. Or maybe that's my sense of self-rationalization in some scapegoating effort. Makes me seem irresponsible...I;m not. I seem to have less patience to deal with those things that I used to revel in and which made me who I am today. Those seemingly negatory experiences and people whom I derided with so much malice and antipathy are the very same things that I seem to latch onto now. The difference is....I;m tired. I am SO tired of it. I am beginning to feel the weight of all those things I carry and beginning to feel that enough is quite truly enough. Why am I accepting and allowing the blame for things that I know have NOTHING to do with me? And why do I allow people to do that to me. Weighing the options of backing down and confrontations often is not difficult for me. I am for the former not the latter. Not because I am incapable of the latter, but because I know HOW capable I am of it. I abandoned being the evil asshole a long time ago because it made me feel less of a person. I was taking out my aggression and my anger out on people who had nothing to do with it. While I admit the acts were somewhat pleasurable because they induced a great sense of power I recognize that I pushed so many important people away from me. People whom I now think about often with fondness and regret. But everything happens for a reason; ain;t no going back and no use sitting here thinking about the what if's. But I feel that in my "growth" I have allowed in those elements guised with good intentions....oh that road to hell. Working and questioning are unnecessary and speak volumes. Trusting and believing are not. Those are not the weaker things. People who fear them, don't understand them, refuse to allow those things in...deem them weak constructs in an effort to pass themselves off as being smart and strong. I used to be one of those people. The alternative is not necessarily better, not necessarily worse. But it;s better than thinking of a life alone; a life lived in mediocrity and suspicions; a life lived without ever having truly let go and enjoyed SOME of the things life has.
I ramble. I ramble because I can. Because....fuck you.
What brought this on? Looking through a bag of old pictures. Looking at things now. Looking at the complications and understanding more than ever than letting go is truly the hardest thing to do, especially when it is the only option left in a battle that is futile and out of your hands.
Does any of this make sense? Or am I spinning my theoretical wheels in a pathetic muck of pity?
This entry was posted
on Monday, December 29, 2003 at 10:53 PM.
You can skip to the end and leave a response.
» Post a Comment