Begrudgingly So....I Write...Well...Type
Have not felt much like writing in the blog even though I keep thinking up things to write. I just have had no motivation. Part of it is that being sick just saps all the energy and life out of me. Part of it is having no time because of school-related stuff. And part of it is this funk I have been in for the last 6 days that just seems to be getting worse. Maybe syntactically purging will help me?
Had my workshops this week at the FSTCthis past weekend. I initially thought only my preparation workshop had been accepted, but I was surprised by the program when I saw my dance workshop was also in. Thankfully, I had a day to prepare. In brief, all three sessions were a success. The kids seemed to like it and not be bored. They asked lots of questions. I was surprised that my 8:30 a.m. workshop actually had about 25 kids. My dance workshop was intense as I walked into the room and was greeted by about 90 kids. I was definitely NOT expecting that. I had everything from trained dancers to two-left-feetists. But everyone stayed and participated and enjoyed what I taught. I was REALLY taken aback by the request for pictures at the end of the workshop. I did not expect that and still do not know what to make of it. But it was a good time. I just could not wait to get home and sleep because I was at the apex of being sick at that point.
I even went into the dance studio on Friday to teach my homeschool kids. I was in so much pain and so sick that I conducted it with grunts and clapping and the children must have understood because they made NO noise during the hour I was there. Was nice. However....
I want out of that place. I don't look forward to going and teaching there because it is just not a positive atmosphere to be in. Kids have dropped, parents are yanking their kids out, we have become a laughing stock, and frankly I am tired of getting my ass ripped open everytime I need to cancel a class or have a sub. Most well-run studios have a cadre of teachers who are able to cover classes in case it is needed. We have three teachers and an office manager who sometimes covers, so the teachers end up getting yelled at when we can't make it. Even if we are sick. Case in point, I called in today and was told to get my "hynie" in as I had no choice. I simply refused as I was not going to make myself feel worse and was threatened with being told on to the owners.....bring it. I am definitely not in the wrong. I am not a full-time employee, I don't get benefits, no 401, no thanks, no appreciation, and no support of any kind. I need the money, but I will be damned if I am going to kill myself when I can use the time to focus on publishing and furthering my teaching and performing careers.
I have adopted a pet spider. I noticed a white speck on a web near my kitchen sink about a month ago and found the little bugger. Spiders are good luck in your house and get rid of pests, so I let it be. It has been slowly growing and is now a beige color. I worry though because of the absence of pests, especially in that area, but it seems to find things as I see the carcasses it drops, including other spiders. Today, I noticed a bug on the counter that was trying to disguise itself as a piece of random trash or dirt (note to those bugs: moving, gives you away). I was going to kill it, but I hung it on the spider web and watched. I have always been fascinated by how spiders attack, kill, and eat their prey. So I watched like some nasty little arachnid voyeur.
Is this a metaphor for my life as of late?
This is going to be a rather lengthy post I can tell.
Sorry Laurie again for not making it up there....hope this post makes up for it in some odd way.
The shows are coming along. Odd rehearsal schedule for Whorehouse and odd situations in J&H. Just gotta keep thinking of paying the bills and saving money and ignoring the other bullshit.
Part of my "funkosity" (that is SO not a word) is dealing with some recent crap. It's all about perception and reality and the spinner of truths who views the world through his or her own skewed lens. Being talked about, slandered and misjudged is nothing new to me as I have had to deal with it for most of my life from every possible person. However, there are certain things that do get me riled up. I am a private person, no doubt, so that always leads to gossipy speculation, and that's fine. People choose to believe what they want to in the absence of truth or hey have the balls to actually ask questions. Those same people will also misinterpret signs, signals and behaviors as markers of some kind of truth that end up with the fucked up logic of: Well, if I do or say this, then he must too. 'Coz that makes A LOT of sense...riiiiiiiiight. What these people never bother to do is to ask and confront. But even then, that seems to be a lost cause because some people would rather believe the fantastical over what they perceive as boring truth. Sorry if I can't fulfill your sick little delusional needs. I despise people who can't take the truth for what it is when it is given. I have nothing to hide, nothing to reveal and when I speak, although it may sometimes be lengthy, I choose my words carefully and I do not suffer fools gladly. I despise the effortlessness of people who misjudge, misunderstand, and miscalculate my moves, motives and emotions. And I despise those who would use what they perceive as weakness as a way to undermine and destroy my personality, my strength, my freedom, and my choices. Mind fuckers are horrible human beings, and I should know, because I was one, and I can be one. But why get through deceit what is more easily and pleasantly gained through honesty and friendship and not some venomous, pedantic wormtongued effort that only ends up painting you as a hypocritical Shylock demanding a pound of flesh to replace the many pounds you have had to gnaw out with your own despairing teeth.
I'm waxing poetic...but it makes a point much clearly and funly (again, SO not a word).
But that is what it is. I always expect the best out of and from people (naive of me, I know) and am always knocked flat on my ass by the most surprising people, and a few not-so-surprising to boot. Fuck all y'all.
And really....so much more I can talk about. But I'll save it for the next time I need a cathartic purging.
Have not felt much like writing in the blog even though I keep thinking up things to write. I just have had no motivation. Part of it is that being sick just saps all the energy and life out of me. Part of it is having no time because of school-related stuff. And part of it is this funk I have been in for the last 6 days that just seems to be getting worse. Maybe syntactically purging will help me?
Had my workshops this week at the FSTCthis past weekend. I initially thought only my preparation workshop had been accepted, but I was surprised by the program when I saw my dance workshop was also in. Thankfully, I had a day to prepare. In brief, all three sessions were a success. The kids seemed to like it and not be bored. They asked lots of questions. I was surprised that my 8:30 a.m. workshop actually had about 25 kids. My dance workshop was intense as I walked into the room and was greeted by about 90 kids. I was definitely NOT expecting that. I had everything from trained dancers to two-left-feetists. But everyone stayed and participated and enjoyed what I taught. I was REALLY taken aback by the request for pictures at the end of the workshop. I did not expect that and still do not know what to make of it. But it was a good time. I just could not wait to get home and sleep because I was at the apex of being sick at that point.
I even went into the dance studio on Friday to teach my homeschool kids. I was in so much pain and so sick that I conducted it with grunts and clapping and the children must have understood because they made NO noise during the hour I was there. Was nice. However....
I want out of that place. I don't look forward to going and teaching there because it is just not a positive atmosphere to be in. Kids have dropped, parents are yanking their kids out, we have become a laughing stock, and frankly I am tired of getting my ass ripped open everytime I need to cancel a class or have a sub. Most well-run studios have a cadre of teachers who are able to cover classes in case it is needed. We have three teachers and an office manager who sometimes covers, so the teachers end up getting yelled at when we can't make it. Even if we are sick. Case in point, I called in today and was told to get my "hynie" in as I had no choice. I simply refused as I was not going to make myself feel worse and was threatened with being told on to the owners.....bring it. I am definitely not in the wrong. I am not a full-time employee, I don't get benefits, no 401, no thanks, no appreciation, and no support of any kind. I need the money, but I will be damned if I am going to kill myself when I can use the time to focus on publishing and furthering my teaching and performing careers.
I have adopted a pet spider. I noticed a white speck on a web near my kitchen sink about a month ago and found the little bugger. Spiders are good luck in your house and get rid of pests, so I let it be. It has been slowly growing and is now a beige color. I worry though because of the absence of pests, especially in that area, but it seems to find things as I see the carcasses it drops, including other spiders. Today, I noticed a bug on the counter that was trying to disguise itself as a piece of random trash or dirt (note to those bugs: moving, gives you away). I was going to kill it, but I hung it on the spider web and watched. I have always been fascinated by how spiders attack, kill, and eat their prey. So I watched like some nasty little arachnid voyeur.
Is this a metaphor for my life as of late?
This is going to be a rather lengthy post I can tell.
Sorry Laurie again for not making it up there....hope this post makes up for it in some odd way.
The shows are coming along. Odd rehearsal schedule for Whorehouse and odd situations in J&H. Just gotta keep thinking of paying the bills and saving money and ignoring the other bullshit.
Part of my "funkosity" (that is SO not a word) is dealing with some recent crap. It's all about perception and reality and the spinner of truths who views the world through his or her own skewed lens. Being talked about, slandered and misjudged is nothing new to me as I have had to deal with it for most of my life from every possible person. However, there are certain things that do get me riled up. I am a private person, no doubt, so that always leads to gossipy speculation, and that's fine. People choose to believe what they want to in the absence of truth or hey have the balls to actually ask questions. Those same people will also misinterpret signs, signals and behaviors as markers of some kind of truth that end up with the fucked up logic of: Well, if I do or say this, then he must too. 'Coz that makes A LOT of sense...riiiiiiiiight. What these people never bother to do is to ask and confront. But even then, that seems to be a lost cause because some people would rather believe the fantastical over what they perceive as boring truth. Sorry if I can't fulfill your sick little delusional needs. I despise people who can't take the truth for what it is when it is given. I have nothing to hide, nothing to reveal and when I speak, although it may sometimes be lengthy, I choose my words carefully and I do not suffer fools gladly. I despise the effortlessness of people who misjudge, misunderstand, and miscalculate my moves, motives and emotions. And I despise those who would use what they perceive as weakness as a way to undermine and destroy my personality, my strength, my freedom, and my choices. Mind fuckers are horrible human beings, and I should know, because I was one, and I can be one. But why get through deceit what is more easily and pleasantly gained through honesty and friendship and not some venomous, pedantic wormtongued effort that only ends up painting you as a hypocritical Shylock demanding a pound of flesh to replace the many pounds you have had to gnaw out with your own despairing teeth.
I'm waxing poetic...but it makes a point much clearly and funly (again, SO not a word).
But that is what it is. I always expect the best out of and from people (naive of me, I know) and am always knocked flat on my ass by the most surprising people, and a few not-so-surprising to boot. Fuck all y'all.
And really....so much more I can talk about. But I'll save it for the next time I need a cathartic purging.
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on Monday, April 11, 2005 at 8:17 PM.
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